Jacob Haller (jwgh) wrote,
Jacob Haller
jwgh

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the Monica Lewinsky joke-a-thon

Tonight's Seven Second Delay was a rerun from 1998, and the goal was to have callers tell 100 jokes over the course of their hour-long show. Because I have no life I took the time to transcribe every one. Note that most of the jokes are really lame, many are offensive, and you've probably already heard 90% of them. (Despite the jokes, I thought this was a pretty good show!)

#1: (Andy's joke)

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to London?
A: So the other one could drive.

#2:

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

#3:

Q: What did they find at the FBI lab when they took Monica Lewinsky's dress in?
A: A wad of Bill's.

#4:

Q: How come Monica Lewinsky wasn't allowed in med school?
A: Because she **CENSORED** an intern.

#5:

A man walks into a bar! Ouch!

#6:

A horse comes into a bar, and the bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Why the long face?"

#7: (Arnan's joke)

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: Because he had a chicken stapled to his face!

(Andy: "You've been in fifth grade, haven't you?" Arnan: "Fifth grade my eye!")

#8:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying over the outfield fence?
A: Homer.

#9:

Q: Why doesn't Chelsea have any brothers and sisters?
A: Because Monica ate 'em!

#10:

Q: What does Moses's grass say?
A: "Moses, mow zis!"

#11:

Q: How many surrealist artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The fish.

#12:

Q: What did the two psychics say to each other?
A: "How am I doing?"

#13:

A neutron walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender gives him a drink, the neutron goes to pay, and the bartender says, "For you, no charge."

(Ken: "You know, you could shorten that joke by eliminating the neutron and the bartender.")

#14:

Two New Jersey fellas decide to go bear hunting, right, for hunting season? So they buy their outfits, hop in their truck and they're heading to the mountains to go hunting. And they're almost there and they see a sign that says 'Bear Left', so they turn around and went home.

#15:

Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tap on de bweak, tupid!

#16:

Q: What'd the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

#17:

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a drink and a mop!

#18:

Two atoms are out for dinner enjoying a nice meal. They finish, they eat, they pay the bill, they walk out the door, and one of the atoms says to the other, "Oh, hang on a second, I gotta go back in there, I left an electron." The other atom says, "Are you sure?" He says, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

#19:

Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for her husband: Lorena Bobbitt.

#20:

Did you hear about the Polish mafia? They make you an offer you can't understand.

(Andy: "Those albinos are so stupid. You'd think they were born in Poland.")

#21:

A tuna fish sandwich walked into a bar, asked the bartender, "Hey, can I get something to eat around here?" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve food."

#22:

Q: Why did the junkie half of Siamese twins look down on her sister?
A: She was from the other side of the tracks.

#23:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You 'neak up on it.

#24:

Two guys walk into a bar, but it was really stupid 'cause the second one should have seen it!

#25:

Caller: "I've got a knock-knock joke. You have to start it."
Andy: "Knock knock."
Caller: "Who's there?"
Andy: "Who's there?"
Ken: "He said 'who's there?'."
Andy: "Yeah, but I don't -- I'm not prepared. I was unprepared for this. Oh, that's the joke: screwing me!"

#26:

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says, "Why would you ever name a drink Bob?"

#27:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"

#28:

Q: What did one burp say to the other?
A: "Let's be stinkers and come out the other end."

#29:

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil.

(Ken: "The only thing missing from that joke was a subatomic particle.")

#30:

Q: How is the chairman of the FCC similar to sperm?
A: They both have one in a million chance of ever becoming a human being.

#31:

Q: How many Polish albinos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: one to hold the lightbulb, the rest to rotate the earth!

#32:

Q: Tell me how Bill Clinton got Monica to stop coming around.
A: He told her Ted Kennedy would drive her home.

(Andy: "What's your favorite joke so far?" Ken: "Ouch." Andy: "I've got to go with my joke.")

#33:

Q: Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
A: Because he was dead!

#34:

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.

#35:

Q: How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One: he holds the light in the socket, then drinks until the rooms spins.

#36:

Meeting of the National Sex Offenders Association. New guy, he's there with a pal of his. They're all sitting there, they watch the whole room, some guy stands up across the room, says, "48! 72! 104! 96!" and they all break up laughing and start abusing themselves. The guy turns to his friend, says, "What was that all about?" "Well, we're all on pro, we're not allowed to talk dirty. They got a code worked out, there's a number for every act. Go ahead, try it." New guy stands up and goes, "44! 72! 91! 66!" Dead silence. An oil painting. Turns to his friend, says, "What did I do wrong?" Says, "You told it wrong."

#37:

Did you hear the one about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? There's a small medium at large!

#38:

Q: What do you call a Grateful Deadhead who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

#39:

Q: What do you call a boomerang when it doesn't come back to you?
A: A stick!

#40:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That's not funny!

#41:

Q: Why don't witches get pregnant?
A: Their husbands have hollow weenies.

#42:

Another high-ranking White House official also tried to get it on with Monica Lewinsky. He got close, but no cigar.

#43:

Q: How do you know which end of a worm is the head?
A: You tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

#44:

Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Imp!
A: Imp who?
Q: IMPEACH [inaudible]!

(Andy: "Just because we don't get it doesn't mean it's not funny, Ken.")

#45:

Doctor So-and-so was scheduled to give a four-hour long dissertation on feelings. One small problem: he doesn't feel very well.

#46:

Q: Call a one-legged mongoloid with polio!
A: Polaroid one-step!

(Andy: "Who are we to pass judgement on other people's humor?" Ken: "Well, you're a professional.")

#47:

Did you hear about the albino hockey team? They drowned in spring training.

#48:

Q: What does a snail say when he caught a ride on the back of a turtle?
A: "Whee!"

#49:

Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I didn't stick around.

#50:

Q: Why don't girls like to date basketball players?
A: Because they dribble before they shoot.

#51:

A priest, a rabbi, an albino, two Siamese twins, and Monica Lewinski walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

#52:

Caller: "I'm the world's best comedian! Go ahead, ask me what makes me the world's best comedian!"
Andy: "Tell me, sir, what is it that makes y--"
Caller: "Timing!"

#53:

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here," and the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

(Andy: "That's great! It's clean, it's short, I came very close to getting it ...")

#54:

Did you hear about the dog that committed suicide? He put his tail (or possibly towel) in his mouth and he said, "This is the end!"

#55:

Two crackers walking down the street. One was a salted.

#56:

Q: How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree?
A: Tell him to wave.

(Andy: "You know, they're pretty dumb, but I can't believe they're that dumb.")

#57:

Ken Starr asked President Clinton, he said, "What was the difference between sex with Monica Lewinsky and with Paula Jones?" He said, "It was close, but no cigar."

#58:

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: Because the chicken was a slut!

(Andy: "I don't get it either. I thought me explaining it, I would see it, but I don't.")

#59:

Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who the hell's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Philip Glass!

(Andy: "Thinking hurts at first, but then you get used to it.")

#60:

An old dog is laying by the railroad tracks. He's so old he doesn't hear the train coming. It comes by and a piece of his tail gets under the wheel, gets cut off. He gets really mad, he runs after the train but like I said he's an old dog, he kind of trips and falls and rolls under and the train cuts off his head. The moral of the story: Never lose your head over a piece of tail.

#61:

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.

#62:

Yeah, the Monica Lewinsky affair? I thought it was a right-handed conspiracy.

#63:

Q: What's the only kind of wood that doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood.

#64:

Q: How do you keep a pair of gum-chewing DJs in suspense?
A: I'll call you back next week.

#65:

My girlfriend told me the other day, said, "Come on over, there's nobody home!" I went over, there's nobody home!

#66:

Hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

(Andy: "Between me and Ken, we will get 90% of the jokes told to us!")

#67:

Q: Why do men marry women?
A: Sheep won't do windows.

#68:

Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic to see if her year's going to get any better. Psychic says, "Hmm, it looks very dark, your husband's going to die within the next year." Hillary is quiet for a minute, and the psychic goes, "Do you have any more questions?" "Yeah, will I be acquitted?"

#69:

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elephino!

#70:

My girlfriend likes to talk during sex. The other night, she called me up from the hotel.

#71:

Q: Why are hookers immune to men?
A: Because they've been innoculated so many times.

#72:

Q: [inaudible] one of the glasses is empty. What's the king's name?
A: King Fill-up the Third.

#73:

This rope walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" So the rope walks back out onto the street and he kind of frays his end a little bit and then he ties himself into a knot and then he goes back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a rope?" and he goes "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

#74:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a mailbox?
A: Bill!

#75:

Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground!

#76:

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.

#77:

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, flasher comes past, opens his coat, first old lady has a stroke, second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady couldn't reach.

(Ken: "You know, it's funny about you know who the guy in the raincoat was?" Andy: "Ken Starr!" Ken: "That's right!")

#78:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.

#79:

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.

(Andy: "Dear Lord, forgive me for laughing.")

#80:

Q: How did the Jewish mafia get out of jail?
A: They ate the lox.

#81:

Q: What's this? Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

#82:

Q: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one ovum?
A: 'Cause none of them will ever stop to ask for directions.

(Andy: "Men are stupid, but women sure like to touch penises. We have learned so much here today.")

#83:

Confucious say: Man who get kicked in testicles left holding the bag.

#84:

A drunk guy walks into a bar and says, "Here, bartender, have you ever seen a six-foot penguin?" The bartender goes, "No," and the guy goes, "Oh my god, I hit a nun!"

#85:

Q: How long does it take the average woman to achieve orgasm?
A: Who cares?

#86:

Confucious say, "Man who stand on toilet high on pot."

#87:

Caller: "Ask me where I'm from."
Ken: "Where are you from?"
Caller: "I'm from queens, but I bet you you're from natural parents."

#88:

Guy walks into a doctor's office, says "It hurts when I do this," doctor says, "Don't do this!"

#89:

Did you hear about the Polish parachute? It opens on impact.

#90:

Caller: "I need either Ken or Andy, either one of you guys, fill your lips up with air like you're going to blow, like you're a blowfish. What is that?"
Andy: "I don't know."
Caller: "Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence."

#91:

Q: What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
A: Hop in.

(Andy: "It's clean, it's short, it makes fun of amputees." Ken: "It's a winner." Andy: "It's a home run.")

#92:

Q: How do you give a redneck a vasectomy?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth.

#92.5:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
[Ken hung up, but the answer is: a stick.]

#93:

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio? She was also on the windshield and the dashboard, the gear-shifter, the engine ...

#94:

Two Polacks are shooting up drugs in the alley sharing a needle, a guy walks by sees it, says, "Hey, you can get AIDS that way." "No problem, we're wearing condoms."

#95:

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Scares the crap out of the dog.

#95.5:

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three --
[Ken hangs up.]

#96:

If a man's in the forest and he says something and there's no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

#97:

Q: What's yellow and writes?
A: A ball-point banana.
Tags: joke, seven second delay
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